


And I'll Love You Still In Hell

by Pluppelina



Series: I Need Some Fine Wine And You Need To Be Nicer [11]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, bare backing, love making, potentially heartbreaking fluff?, the night before Reichenbach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-06
Updated: 2012-07-06
Packaged: 2017-11-09 07:13:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/452755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pluppelina/pseuds/Pluppelina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sebastian, while completely oblivious to the fact, grants Jim his last wish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And I'll Love You Still In Hell

Sebastian is already in bed and halfway asleep when Jim enters his room, and that usually means trouble, usually means that Jim has either hurt himself or been hurt by someone else or that a plan has gone wrong in some way so that there’s a mess and Jim doesn’t have any other sniper who can make a shot from half a mile at night in the pouring rain and only hit a single man in a group of five, but this time, this time Sebastian has barely peeked up over the covers when Jim climbs in bed with him, moves his own undressed frame down under Sebastian’s duvet and his cool body into Sebastian’s warm, sleepy embrace. He wraps his arms around Jim, thinking he wants only comfort, and traps him against his chest.

“Hi,” he murmurs, kissing his forehead gently before closing his eyes and settling back down on the pillow, just to let Jim know he’s welcome indeed, but Jim doesn’t seem to be content with that because he squirms around in Sebastian’s arms until he can press their lips together properly. Sebastian is too tired to do more than pout in response, to let Jim kiss him all he likes, but Jim whines and puts a hand on the back of Sebastian’s head to pull him closer.

Sebastian realises that Jim needs more from him, and that he ought to try and give it to him, so he kisses him properly but gently, just showing him that he’s there, that he will always be there, that he does love him, and Jim kisses back just as gently, as comfortingly, as calmly, and it surprises him because Jim is never calm like this. He must need more from Sebastian than he had imagined, and he’s just glad that Jim is _finally_ allowing him to do that, because Jim has been so reserved lately, keeping to himself and hardly giving Sebastian a look.

So Sebastian puts as much comfort as he’s able to into the kiss, into a soothing hand through Jim’s neatly trimmed hair, into gentle touches to the back of his neck, until he finally has to pull back for air when his head starts spinning. Jim looks so open and vulnerable suddenly that it actually hurts, so weak and in need of protection - which Sebastian is more than willing to give him. He pulls him back in again, deep into an embrace, and keeps him pressed against his chest. Having Jim that close is making him hard as it always does but it isn’t the point of this so he ignores it - and then Jim is kissing his neck, softly, gently, slowly, and moving a hand down to his hips. He wants more of this? Sebastian leans back a little bit and shifts, to get a proper look at Jim, a really _proper_ look. 

“What is it?” he asks, because this is so far from normal behaviour Jim has never been close to it before.

“I want you to make love to me,” Jim says and it sounds as if he’s been crying but he isn’t anymore and Sebastian supposes that is the important bit, anyway, and god, the actual words. Jim wants what? No wonder he was confusing Sebastian; this is so unprecedented he didn’t even think it was possible. Jim’s hand moves helpfully down to the bulge in his pants and squeezes it gently, which removes any lingering confusion very quickly. He wants to be made love to. He wants Sebastian lay him down and gently-- _hell_. Just thinking about it is bringing Sebastian so much more pleasure than it should.

He’s still holding Jim tightly as he moves his hands gently over the bare skin of his back, up and down, gently, gently, and Jim starts to massage him properly through the fabric of his underwear and he hasn’t got a clue on how one goes from this to intercourse. Somewhere, between how having his nose broken turned into getting a blow job and how Jim once refused to let him come until he made him cry, tenderness has been deleted from his systems.

It’s a terrifying thought if ever there was one, but Jim seems to have it covered better, because he angles his body just so to put Sebastian’s mouth right at the place where his neck meets his shoulder and moves his hand away from Sebastian’s crotch, up to the back of his head. He hasn’t even started pressing yet by the time Sebastian’s lips make contact with his skin and he kisses a gentle trail down to his collar bone. He wants Jim too much to pause and check in on him and he’s been too well trained to refuse a direct order, so he gets his hands back, moves them to Jim’s sides, rolls him onto his back. The motion reminds him suddenly of Eileen, the woman who was going to mother his children, and he’s glad that at least making love is still in his muscle memory as he moves down Jim’s body slowly, gently, kissing him as he goes.

Reaching an erection instead of a wet cunt makes Sebastian pause a bit, almost surprised to do so but not exactly disappointed. It’s Jim, he thinks, only Jim, and presses gentle kisses along the shaft. It doesn’t get him any moans; Jim never moans. Occasionally, if Sebastian does something really nice for him, he will whimper, and sometimes he cries out as he comes, but he never gives Sebastian any normal feedback. He’s learned to go without it.

When he swallows Jim down the hands in his hair aren’t pushy or demanding, nothing is forced down past his gag reflex and no one swears at him that he’s been giving blowjobs for long enough to do better than that. Jim only lies back and massages his head gently, carefully, as if he were Eileen again, as if he were actually grateful that Sebastian is doing this for him, and Sebastian tries to give the very same back, putting more focus on technique and long, loving movements of his tongue and lips rather than the usual _faster harder better_ motto he was given as he tried his first time.

When Jim decides he’s had enough of that, he doesn’t grab Sebastian’s hair and pulls him off like he usually does. This time, the signals he gives are so subtle Sebastian would probably have missed them if he hadn’t been so very focused on what he’s doing; it’s nothing more than a small shift of his hips and a thumb smoothing over his forehead, but it’s enough, so Sebastian sits back up and is for a moment confused to see _Jim_ looking down at him, Jim of all people watching him as if he were some kind of messiahs. 

“I brought lube,” Jim says and he’s got that same heart wrenching tone of voice that makes Sebastian want to hold him until he stops hurting like he’s done so many nights before, but he’s still hard just from Jim mentioning sex and Jim is holding the lube out for him and Jim wants to make love, so make love they will, no matter in how bad a shape Jim is at the moment. Sebastian accepts the bottle silently, and Jim spreads his legs further.

He wonders if this could really be called making love as he slides one finger inside of Jim and is met with absolutely nothing but the look of distracted bliss on his face, as if he is somewhere else than there and then, off inside his own head, and can’t even feel Sebastian inside of him; Sebastian, who is on his knees between Jim’s legs, and watching his face as he adds another finger. This isn’t fucking, because Jim isn’t desperate and there is no resistance either, no one pushing and no one pushing back; just the two of them on the bed and not a condom in sight.

“Jim,” he says, looking down at him, even as he keeps going through the motions of stretching him out, and he sees Jim come back to him again, sees the faraway look of his eyes go away as Sebastian just barely brushes against his prostate. He meant to ask Jim what it is they’re really doing and what they’re doing it for, but then Jim opens his mouth to let out a shaky breath and suddenly his body is _alive_ underneath Sebastian. The legs spread further and he clenches around Sebastian’s fingers, rolls his hips to get more contact and says, shakily, “Sebastian...”

Perhaps this is making love, after all. It certainly feels intimate enough now that Jim is arching his back from the sensation of Sebastian’s gentle fingers inside of him, barely moving, and as he carefully slides a third in he realises that he doesn’t really have to as aggressive about it as he usually is to achieve the same results. This is actually better in so many ways and he wishes they will do it again, more often. Maybe he can bring it up on his next birthday.

When Jim signals that he’s ready for Sebastian, it’s just as subtle as all his other signals, but he’s right there and Sebastian knows what he’s looking for now; Jim grinding against him as if he wants nothing but more, Jim whimpering as he does whenever Sebastian does something particularly good. If there were any doubts at all, they’re completely removed when Sebastian looks up to make eye contact and he sees the absolute need in Jim’s eyes, the need and the want and again that underlying sense that Sebastian is the great deliverer of salvation, and he finds it completely irresistible.

So he pauses his movements and he’s already breathing heavily, because just seeing Jim like this is making him hard, and the idea that he’s finally been allowed to do this for him, to provide any sort of relief to him, is making him feel so happy, because for the last few months all he’s been able to do is watch his boss destroy himself slowly, watch him use his own amazing mind and turn it on himself, like a magnifying glass on an ant, and burn himself away into absolutely nothing, so when Sebastian asks for a condom and Jim only shakes his head, it doesn’t register as a warning sign, because Jim is accepting comfort from him and it makes him feel as though his heart will beat itself out of his chest.

No condom, then. Sebastian can do that if it is what Jim wants and just looking at Jim’s face confirms that it is indeed what Jim wants, so Sebastian pulls his fingers out and sits back, waits for Jim to show him what position he wants this time; sitting, riding, on all fours, but Jim only stays in place and spreads his legs wider and oh. It takes a while for it to click because Sebastian is far from used to that, but he is nothing if not well-trained so he crawls back in between Jim’s legs, settling over him.

Jim still has that look on his face and he reaches up to touch Sebastian’s cheek, just gently, just a touch, but it’s there and it binds them together for a moment, and when it’s gone, they still have eye contact and Sebastian feels drawn in to Jim, pushes into Jim, so slick and ready for him and he feels the feeling his chest again, something like gratefulness only not, something like... Affection. He feels shock as he realises what it means and what it implies that Jim looks at him as if to say, “you’re just getting that now”, but then the pleasure blots it all out.

He puts a hand on Jim’s erection after a while, sacrificing his own balance for the sake of Jim’s pleasure, and he keeps both the strokes and the thrusts steady and slow because that seems to be what Jim’s after, here, and it feels so good to finally be allowed to show him all the tenderness that he deserves and needs, so Sebastian takes his time and keeps the eye contact, and Jim doesn’t space out again; he’s all there in that moment with Sebastian and it makes Sebastian so happy, which he channels back into Jim, into loving touches and a look that tells him he’s the best thing that ever happened to Sebastian.

The more time goes on, the closer to Jim Sebastian gets, and by the time Jim has his orgasm, they’re breathing the very same air backwards and forwards between them, and it gets warmer and warmer, and Jim doesn’t push Sebastian away like he sometimes does, as though he’s become bothersome the moment Jim’s done coming. Instead Jim wraps his arms around him as though he’s worried Sebastian is going to leave him, but he won’t; of course he won’t, and the thought that Jim actually wants him to stay around is what finally drives him over, too.

“I love you,” he breathes, out into Jim’s skin, for the first time ever and he doesn’t quite realise what it is he’s saying until he’s already said it and by then it’s too late to take back, and even though it’s true it’s one of those things that Sebastian is never supposed to mention, that or the night terrors or anything else ever, really, but he doesn’t even have the time to go from realisation to complete terror before Jim interrupts him.

“I love you too,” he murmurs, “and I’m so very, very sorry.”

He really does sound completely devastated, and Sebastian, who wakes up to find him gone, supposes that he should’ve known something was wrong even then.


End file.
